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28.04.2009, 10:22
I have to say, that after, statistically, 1/3 of my lifespan rushing like having fun on the Interstate, I feel exhausted for doing nothing, which is awkward. And I have come to the conclusion, that I am actually someone, who is better out of this world, then in it. What sense, or change, does it make anyway. I am living next to a society, I don't belong to. Speaking tung none can understand, or pretend to understand, and love... well love... that's a different thing. Get a life, someone might say, I got a life, and I am sick of tumbling and fall, get up in order to tumble and fall again and again. If that is what life is, then it is sick!

If you reed between the lines, you might say, this guy has a situation here, and you know what... you are right. But I cannot die, I simply cannot. I do believe in higher existence, but I haven't found what I am looking for yet. That does not mean, I am willing to do anything after that. The thing is, life betrayed me. Or I betrayed myself, who fucking cares. In the end, I rest my case anyway. But I want to be loved, not only by a figure on the cross, whom's existence proved, that god loves me too. I want to be loved, and deserve to be loved from within the world. But... how do you dunk in a society while you live in a world of your own. It is like being legal alien, without anything to cling from the past. I actually do have memories from my childhood which was great, but I think, I was an alien from the start.

I know my parents love me as I am, but their love can't compete with the love I am missing, or in the need of. I would love to hug them, but since ages, I am to old for that, to fat, to loving! It is just like the Kindergarten comic, where all the children are hanging on trees and a Kindergarten-teacher comes and sent them in the real world. I should have hung there a little longer. Someone decides for you, by when you are old enough to discover the world on your own.

The truth is, life is a looser!

Problem is, what kind of society do you belong to, if you never belonged to any.

That actually takes me back to the Immigration Officer from my last trip to the US. I am sure, he saw my passport, which is German, but he said word by word: Welcome home, son!

What did he know? Home is where your heart is, and I felt never more home while in US and Canada. But I feel home right now, but it all isn't.

I could make one on my own, like I always did before, but I simply can't anymore, since, per definition, society is more then one. That brings me back to: Life is sick.

28.04.2009, 12:49

i don't know your situation or your life, but you are the one responsible for your actual situation and feelings.

So come on, lift up your head and attack your bad thinkings, start to do something wich fills your mind and your days ... could be welfare work, a hobby, music ... there are so many possibilities.

But hanging around and telling yourself that life is sick --- one day you will believe in this.

Come on now - startr your new good active life here.

28.04.2009, 15:28
Thanks for your cheer, I know it is in best interest. I thank you.
Problem is, life still stinks.

If life deals you a lemon, make lemonade, what shall I make, if Life deals me shit?

And it is not since yesterday. My whole life is a lie, it started with a lie, and will probably end with one. Until the age of twelve my parents let me in the impression, that I am their son, I sort of am, but not biologically.

They said, it was in my best interest. My real mother who I know and love by now, left me with me mom (sounds crazy,but they sort of both earned the mom status) and dad. (Well with me dad actually, but he found my mom.

I am not a disposable! And I am surely not a candy wrapper. I am almost 30 now, with no money but bills. To say it in Jeff Dunham's words, I am an idiot with no future.

I have been betrayed by the church (not by god, but by his earthly fellas), calumniated by one of my best friends, lost my job and yet, I have not found a way, how to get out of this. Neither have I got a way, how to pay that damn b-itch what she deserves. May God hit all evildoers hard. I can't help it, she has ruined everything.

You are right, I am responsible for my feelings, I really am, but what shall I do? Being happy while losing a well paid job, that made fun and was about to secure me life's future? I am out of will, I am out of trust, and still I have blind trust to anything ahead, until I get betrayed again. (with my luck, that's going to take long)

I'll live this live until this life won't let me live here anymore. (Big Kenny)